its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
