When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
