don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
