broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
