Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can vaginas get frostbite?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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