i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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