My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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