God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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