A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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