Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
