Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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