Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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