His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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