how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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