My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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