I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
