i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
