make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
