You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
