thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Drunk is not a location!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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