You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
