You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize