If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
