i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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