maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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