Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
