his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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