I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
