i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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