absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
