i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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