Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
