Little spoons don't ask big questions
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
