i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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