I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
