I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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