you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
