I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
