I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
your like the ambassador to my penis.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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