if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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