I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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