1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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