; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize