my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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