Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
