You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
