woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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