so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
