She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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