if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
