I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
