I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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