Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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