she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
