it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you inspire me to be a worse person
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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