i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize