hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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