This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
