question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
