she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
